No pictures this time, I’m afraid.

I’m going to tell you a little story.  It’s a story about fear, of discovery, of love and despair.  It’s a story of longing and exhilaration.  It is how my process works, and for this, I need more coffee.

I believe in Muses.  I believe in Inspiration being a living thing that comes and visits; sometimes while I sleep, and also when I am awake.  The reason I believe this is because it happens to me.  It has, all my life.  I’ve had it happen with music; where entire songs with lyrics will flow through me and pass on, and once, it was a symphony.  I’ve had it happen with books, and now, it happens with art.  The images that I see are so perfect, so complete, that I feel a visceral impact of wonder, desire and awe all mixed up together.  Sometimes it is sculpture, which I am nowhere near ready for, block printing, and wood carving.  Most often though, it is paintings.  This past year, I received images of complete, 3-foot by 6-foot stretched canvas portraits of Goddesses and Gods.  These were so complete they raised goosebumps on my arms.  I told the muse that I would be willing to undertake this work at a later time, ONCE I KNEW WHAT THE HELL I WAS DOING!!!  I didn’t tell it, no, I simply told it later.

See, this has happened to me for a long time now.  From the time I was a child, I would get glimpses of paintings, of music, of prose, and I just turned aside.  I didn’t know how I was going to bring it to life.  I was afraid.  Now some of these things have definitely been beyond my skill level, such as the symphony.  I had no paper, pen, recording device, and that work of art flowed through me and was gone.  There was no waiting for me.  Perhaps it was just a glimpse of where my life could have taken me.  Many of the songs and poems I have written came to me in just this way.

Now, though, I AM working on fine art skills.  This is one of the many reasons why I am taking these art classes, and why I continue to learn.  I need these skills to bring these paintings to life, these and so many others that have come to me even in the past couple of years.  I have better than one hundred paintings waiting in the wings at the moment.  However, I’m not willing to stretch 18 square feet of linen canvas in the hope that I create something that might sort of look like the image in my mind.  Not happening.  I don’t know whether the paintings that have come to me in the past will wait until I have the skills necessary.  The great news is that new ones just keep coming.

Instead:

1. I do thumbnail sketches of each of these paintings.  I document what I’ve imagined using pictures, sketches, words, whatever it takes to make a record of it.
2. I study drawing.
3. I have an atelier painting class coming up to continue to improve my skills.
4. I’m studying color theory and harmony.
5. I’m finding people in similar poses that I can practice drawing in preparation for these paintings.

In short, I’m teaching myself the skills I need to bring them to light.  I have asked Inspiration to be patient.  I want to complete a couple of portraits before I work on that body of work because I will need to work on all of them at the same time.  Hell, my room isn’t big enough for that!!!

Meanwhile, the Muses paid a visit about a week ago, again.  This time with a portrait of Scott.  I don’t know if I have the skill to render the vision I have in my head, but I’m going to do my best.  I’m tired of the fear.  I’m tired of saying “no” when these ideas come to visit.  See?  See it in my head?  No?

This time, I’m going with it.  This time, I want to see where it leads.  The idea came to me as a completed painting, the size, the colors, the subject.  When I get these ideas, they start as crystal clear visions in my mind. The work I see is always the work of a Master.  I get goosebumps just thinking of it.  In the past, I’ve always said, it’s not for me, not yet.  This time though, I am going to follow the muse down the rabbit hole.  My family has been supportive of this.  They are always curious about what I come up with next!  I can tell them what’s in my head, but they can’t see it any more than you can.

I told myself, “If I’m going with this, what is the first thing I need to do?  Figure out how to create the background. ”

When I took this first step, it was like getting ready for a date.  The excitement was incredible.  I love problem-solving, but this was at a whole new level.  I wandered through all the art supplies I had on hand, figuring out what I had that I could use.  I knew I needed to use acrylics for the background.  I watched videos on how to create the cells I was looking for.  I started experimenting with small canvases to see if I could achieve the technique I wanted.  I failed.  I did more research. I tried something else.  I got closer.  Finally, I achieved the cells I wanted!

It’s like I have someone looking over my shoulder cheering me on.  “Yes, like that… now, a little more color.  How about a bit darker?”  This week has been like a first date.  The muse is like someone that has had a crush on me for years that I ignored until now and finally agreed to that first date.  I’m expecting this to be a tumultuous relationship because I’m afraid.  I’m afraid he wants more out of me than I am currently able to deliver.  I’m afraid he’ll leave me if I’m not good enough!

I’m of two minds about this as well.  On the one hand, I have a firm belief that if I can think it, I can create it.  On the other, I’m seeing these masterpieces on huge canvases and I know I don’t have the skill, the time, or the materials YET to pull those off.  Yet.  How patient can he be?  So for now, I’m respectfully asking that we take smaller steps in our relationship so that we can get to know each other better and develop that trust.

I promise, my next post will be the beginning steps of the portrait!

Megan